Latest listed first - These jokes (or links) were sent by friends, so I am sharing them with you.
If this is your first time, start at the bottom and work up the page.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
10/16/2008
Church Squirrels There were five country churches in a small Alabama town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church, and The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to Do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration They determined that the squirrels were predestined To be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will...
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there Were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles out side of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- the Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel And had a short service with him called "circumcision" And they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
10/5/2008
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:1. He called everyone brother 2. He liked Gospel 3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 333. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands 2. He had wine with His meals 3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature2. He ate a lot of fish 3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at amoment's notice when there was virtually no food 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
7/7/2008
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is ' computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la com putadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el com putador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. (At least that is what the woman said who sent this to me.)
7/7/2008
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
7/6/2008
Subject: Archaeology Find
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be out-done by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, a local newspaper in North Carolina, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Henson Cove, Haywood County North Carolina, Bubba Rathbone, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless.
Thank God for Bubba. Who said North Carolinians were hicks?
7/5/2008
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans, Virginians, Alabamians and West Virginians can no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ARSE'- He develops a case of - RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
5/26/2008
THINNING THE HERD 2007... Eighth Place :In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place :A 49-year-old San Francisco stock broker -- who often bragged he was 'totally-zoned when he ran' -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout. Sixth Place :While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital. Fifth Place : Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place :Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place :After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt. HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE 2007 WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves...'S*** happens!'
5/25/2008
Subject: Fw: For those who thought they knew everything...
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.
****************************************************** ***********************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...~
************************** ***************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes or shark attacks.
*****************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
************************************************* ****************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************** ************ ***********************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
*****************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
******************** *********************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!)
****************************************************** ****************
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
*****************************************************************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!
*****************************************************************************
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first ' Marlboro Man.'
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Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
*****************************************************************************
PEARLS MELT
IN VINEGAR!
*****************************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
*****************************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.
******* **********************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
*****************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
*****************************************************************************
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
**********************************************************
5/21/2008
THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE.
[]
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today .
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out !
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
[]
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.
[]
Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs?
Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
[]
Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair, it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit o n anot her o ne ..
[]
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor!
I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
[]
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
[]
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
[]
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
[]
Wash under your neck before you come to the table,
you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
[]
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go,
we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
[]
No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and st rong lik e your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.
[]
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you' ll get anot her one wh en you get home.
[]
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.
When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn.
Left arm straight out the window for a left turn;
left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn;
and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
[]
It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!
Y'all come back now, ya hear!
Bring back any memories? It sure did for me !
5/15/2008
Brings back memories....This is fun! Keep it going and DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE ME WHEN YOU
FORWARD THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS! How many shows can we come up with that we USED to
4/15/2008 watch that are no longer on TV? Add one and keep going. Jog your memory. No repeats
on the shows please. Send to all your friends and back to me.Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70! Mary S................Laverne & Shirley Mike P……………Speed Racer Eve.....................Sigmund and the Sea Monsters01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. Shelly.................Welcome Back Kotter Michelle..............Brady Bunch02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. Billy....................Six Million Dollar Man Kay.....................The Danny Kaye Show Nancy..................Then Came Bronson03. No one expects you to run--anywhere. Carol....................The Smothers Brothers Barb.....................Little House on the Prairie04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? Dutch....................Dragnet Marilyn..................Friday night fights!! Dutch....................Dynasty05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Carol....................Streets of Sanfrancisco Cheryl...................St. Elsewhere06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. Lisa.....................Here Comes the Brides Toni.....................Peyton Place Mary.....................Topper07. Things you buy now won't wear out. Madeline................ Friday Nite Videos Sheila...................China Beach08. You can eat supper at 4 pm. Twyla....................I Remember Mama Ruth.....................The Red Skelton show09. You can live without sex but not your glasses. Chriss...................Lassie Kitty....................Gunsmoke10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. JoJo.....................60's LAUGH IN Momma Kitty .............The Dean Martin Show11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. pwluke...................Sky King Linda..............Dr. Kildare12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. Becky..............The Carol Burnette Show Terry..............Bosom Buddies13. You sing along with elevator music. Kati...............Mork and Mindy Kim................Truth or Consequences14. Your eyes won't get much worse. Barb...............That Girl Barb...............The Waltons15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Beth...............Burns and Allen Hank...............Star Struck16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. Jill...............You Can't Do That On Television Ken................Mr. Ed17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Ruth...............I Love Lucy Emma ..............My Three Sons18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. Lynda..............What's My Line Marg...............The Lone Ranger19. You can't remember who sent you this list. Lynn...............The Ed Sullivan Show Betty..............You Are There (1953)Sherry.............Bewitched
Don................I Led Three Lives Tammy..............brady bunch LISA R..................GIMMIE A BREAK Bertha.............Jeffersons JANICE.............THE EDGE OF NIGHT
5/5/2007 Shelli.............Hee-Haw Cyndi..............F-TROOP
You tube about memory loss Pam H..............Rin Tin Tin Carol A............Charlie's Angels Patsy..............LAUGH IN Mary...............Casper the Friendly Ghost
Janet..............The Wonderful World of Disney Norman.............Wyatt Earp Dean ..............Flicka mike G.............Paladin
4/15/2007 Vikki .............The Dukes of Hazzard
Lois...............Rawhide Dan................Bonanza When Insults Had Class... Wayne..............My Mother the Car Dixie..............Ozzie & Harriet "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Butch..............American Bandstand Winston Churchill Cynthia............Howdy Doody Sarah..............Route 66 "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with Sam................The Patty Duke Show great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow Jo ................Father knows best Laura .............Cheers "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to Kathy..............ALF the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) Kim................The Jetsons Candie.............Car 54 Where are you? "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Bob................Green Hornet Groucho Marx Barb M............ Andy Griffin Carol..............The Twilight Zone "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I Carol F............Combat! approved of it." -- Mark Twain Betsy..............Show of Shows (Syd Ceasar) Lynn...............Dr. Kildare "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Calvin.............77 Sunset Strip (Kookie, lend me your comb) Oscar Wilde Sherry.............I Spy Kathy..............The Courtship of Eddie's Father "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; Evvie............Dallas bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Barb..............The Mary Tyler Moore Show Winston Churchill...followed by Gail................Alfred Hitchcock Presents Denise.............Snowfire Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will Stacie..........Family Classics attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill Patrick......... Sea Hunt Mike............The Man From U.N.C.L.E. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Diane..........Dark Shadows Stephen Bishop Lisa.............M.A.S.H. Mike...........My Sister Sam "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright Joan....Milton Berle Texaco Comedy Hour Bob.............Loretta Young Show "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Andy ..........Andy's Gang with Andy Devine -- Irvin S. Cobb Melissa........The Jackie Gleason Show..Mitch Miller..Allen Burke...Sandy Becker..Dark Shadows..Chuck McCann "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband.....I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"
12/7/2006
A Little History
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence! , a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day! Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
12/6/2006
Since I got an email address:
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
I can no longer buy gasoline without taking a man allong to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks to email, know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for! life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, or Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to email advice, I couldn't pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
Have a nice day.
12/5/2006
This is amazing! Animusic DVD. Pipe Dream has been voted one of the best 3D animation projects ever (by 3D World magazine).
This takes you to Google Video Nederland
This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of engineering at the University of Iowa . Amazingly, 97% of the machines components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft Iowa , yes farm equipment!
It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment, calibration, and tuning before filming this video but as you can see it was WELL worth the effort.
It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and is already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.
12/4/2006
NEW WORDS WE REALLY NEEDED TO INVENT
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who (present company excluded) was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. Often crowded. Never soundproof.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Sits in front of a computer screen instead of a TV.
SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are really annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Also used on snack machines that take your money but don’t deliver the goods.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, chain stores and subdivisions.
WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while walking through a Cube Farm.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like deleting an important file or closing the car door and locking your keys inside.)
11/29/2006
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
11/28/2006
One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 : The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years old. Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars . There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union . The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! The average wage in the U.S. was 22 Cents per hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year . A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist made $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME . Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month , and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores . Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !
11/23/2006
While I was watching some College Football, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
11/15/2006
PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you???? 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list .
10/15/2006
REAL GROANERS 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blown apart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 16. A calendar's days are numbered. 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done. 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
9/26/2006
This is fun and lets you be an artist
Instructions/Tools at the tob and bottom of the page.
9/6/2006
STORY OF ELIJAH The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!" LOT'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?" HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" MOSES &THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!" THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know." Church Smiles There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady. While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
8/26/2006 rated: PG
A calm, respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in the eye, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
8/26/2006
This is different and fun to dance to the music with.
Use your mouse to make it move. You can check the boxes in the upper right to change effects.
8/24/2006
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks
8/23/2006
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . . . No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No baseball No football No hockey No golf No K-Mart No Lowes No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks No gumbo No jambalaya Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here, HELLO?
8/22/2006
-----Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental-$100. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
8/21/2006
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ****************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" ************************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ***************** ********* At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************* On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ******* ******************* At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be. " ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." *********************** *** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills" ************************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
8/15/2006 rated: PG
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
8/14/2006
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh, this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
8/5/2006
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, " I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you all right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
3/15/2006
Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations ============================================ For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better." 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "One neuron short of a synapse." 30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes." 32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
10/15/2005
Did I read that sign correctly? In department store rest-room .... TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
8/16/2005
Some days you are just walking along minding your own business, and out of the blue
8/15/2005
Mr. Mujibar was about to enter the U.S. legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said "Mujibar, you have passed all tests but one. If you pass this one you can stay in America." Mujibar said "I am ready."
"Make a sentence using the words 'yellow', 'pink' and 'green'."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said -- "The telephone, she goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and I say 'Yellow, this is Mr Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives near you and works for Microsoft on the Help Desk!
8/5/2005
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, But we didn t use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.
5/21/2005
Men Are Just Happier People. Consider the reasons:
Your last name stays put. Your garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You can play with toys all your life.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!!!
Comprehending Engineers -
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want. "
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers
"An Engineer and His Frog"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."